It didn’t start the way I expected – this year, or even today.
But I found myself begging to have my immediate needs satisfied. Harder. Deeper. Make it hurt until I feel better. I question if what I am doing is prudent cause I am always thinking of others, my responsibilities, my world – but my head releases to the endorphins and sheer physical pleasure.
I did it once and then caved in to the pleasure and release again an hour later. Then I went and got a pedicure. Really? Such indulgence. And when Lily, my pedicurist asked if I wanted additional massage on my feet and legs I succumbed again to 10 more minutes of her massaging before the painting of the toes.
The start of my year was not what I planned. This past weekend pushed my parental limits to new levels of extreme: I love Joy1 and she is creating a stronger person of me through her challenging my ability to love and tolerate and discipline.
A friend who I confide in was surprised and saddened by my lack of caring for myself which gave me pause. After this past weekend filled with heightened parental challenge, I believe I splintered off into a desperation to find self care – suddenly and without warning to myself.
This morning I spent making quite immediate, difficult and necessary decisions. After, I diligently ran errands and went to work.
Then it happened. Like a blind, unconscious and unthinking glom, I drove to get a massage. It ended. I sat in my car unfulfilled and then went to buy stuff at Target. Then I found myself at another massage salon asking – no, Begging a woman named Julia who didn’t understand any word I said except, “Hard, more Hard”.
She did it. She did it really, really well. “You okay?”, she asks every now and then.
“Yes, hard, push hard. Good”, all I breathe out from under the face cover.
An hour later I dressed and drove directly to the nail salon. Pedicure. Yes, extra massage, long time, yes.