Push Harder And Deeper. Yes, Again, Don’t Stop

It didn’t start the way I expected – this year, or even today.

But I found myself begging to have my immediate needs satisfied.  Harder.  Deeper.  Make it hurt until I feel better.  I question if what I am doing is prudent cause I am always thinking of others, my responsibilities, my world – but my head releases to the endorphins and sheer physical pleasure.

I did it once and then caved in to the pleasure and release again an hour later.  Then I went and got a pedicure.  Really?  Such indulgence.  And when Lily, my pedicurist asked if I wanted additional massage on my feet and legs I succumbed again to 10 more minutes of her massaging before the painting of the toes.

My New Outlook On Feet

The start of my year was not what I planned.  This past weekend pushed my parental limits to new levels of extreme: I love Joy1 and she is creating a stronger person of me through her challenging my ability to love and tolerate and discipline.

A friend who I confide in was surprised and saddened by my lack of caring for myself which gave me pause.  After this past weekend filled with heightened parental challenge, I believe I splintered off into a desperation to find self care – suddenly and without warning to myself.

This morning I spent making quite immediate, difficult and necessary decisions.  After, I diligently ran errands and went to work.

Then it happened.  Like a blind, unconscious and unthinking glom, I drove to get a massage.  It ended.  I sat in my car unfulfilled and then went to buy stuff at Target.  Then I found myself at another massage salon asking – no, Begging a woman named Julia who didn’t understand any word I said except, “Hard, more Hard”.

She did it.  She did it really, really well.  “You okay?”, she asks every now and then.

“Yes, hard, push hard.  Good”, all I breathe out from under the face cover.

An hour later I dressed and drove directly to the nail salon.  Pedicure.  Yes, extra massage, long time, yes.

About theblogwoman

Faker Of Much And Easily Distracted - Yes, Those 2 Are With Me
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7 Responses to Push Harder And Deeper. Yes, Again, Don’t Stop

  1. Trish says:

    You go girl!!! I was thinking of indulging in a mani pedi and a massage myself for my valentine’s present to me!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. amommasview says:

    Oh what a massage can do 🙂 And I love what you did here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. markbialczak says:

    Get it good, TBW, just where you need it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Even I go through the same thing as you to complete my responsibilities. My mum and recently my husband are worried about my lack of self-care.

    Liked by 1 person

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